A Fate Worse Than Death Read online

  Bully stood up and strode across the room. Although the crowd at the bar was packed six deep, somehow he had no trouble getting straight to the front. And as for the service he received, I’d never seen a barman move with such haste—like a wind-up doll with a fast-forward button.

  As Bully made his way back through the crowd, I considered how I might take advantage of his unexpected camaraderie. It seemed unlikely that he knew anything about Sally and her connection to the Devil, but I couldn’t leave this club without making an enquiry along those lines.

  “I’m glad we’ve sorted out our differences,” I said after Bully handed me a drink, “because as it happens, I’m after information. Perhaps you can help me.”

  Bully scowled. “Listen, Jimmy, don’t push your luck with me. You’re still the guy who killed me. Now shut up and drink.”

  I shut up and took a sip from the glass. It tasted a little like bourbon and a lot like raw sewage. I gagged and spat it back into the glass.

  “I would’ve figured a man like you could hold his liquor,” Bully laughed.

  “Liquor I can hold,” I said. “This is urine.”

  “Get used to it, buddy. You’re in Hell now. It doesn’t get any better than this.”

  “That’s what you think.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my little bottle. “Help yourself to a real drink.”

  Bully grabbed the bottle and took a swig. “Now this is more like it,” he exclaimed. “Jimmy Clarenden, you might be a dirty, two-bit weasel of a private detective—”

  “Easy on the compliments.”

  “ . . . but I have to say you’re a man of good taste, and I like that. Now I suggest we take this bottle of yours and head over to the pool table. We can shoot some pool, and I can try to tell you everything you need to know.”

  “Rack them up and do your worst.”

  Judging by the number of balls on the pool table, it looked like a new game had only just begun.

  “You fellows nearly finished?” said Bully as we strolled over.

  “A-a-as it happens, we just f-f-finished this moment, M-M-Mr Malone,” one of the players stammered, shoving his cue into Bully’s hands.

  “That’s good timing,” said Bully. “Now if you’d be so kind as to rack the balls, me and my friend Jimmy are gonna have a game.”

  Both players immediately complied with more than reasonable haste and then vanished into the smoky blackness.

  “Okay, Jimmy, why don’t you break.”

  I chalked my cue, took a swig of bourbon, and settled over the table. I aimed for the spot just to the right of the leading ball, but I miss-hit and the white ball went spinning off to the left. The balls scattered around the table, leaving Bully with a simple shot on the number two ball. He leant over, carefully measured the shot, hit the cue ball with precision, and missed the shot to the right.

  “Looks like there’s a slight roll to this table,” I said. “So how about you tell me a little more about life in Hell. Is this what eternal punishment is all about? Miserable weather, drinks that taste like excrement . . . ” I paused to take my next shot. “ . . . And pool tables with strange ideas about the laws of physics?” I added as I allowed for the roll and missed far off to the left.

  “Nah, that’s just for leisure. Most of our time is supposed to be spent working.” Bully helped himself to more drink and then missed his next shot to the right again.

  “What sort of work?” I asked as I sent the white ball spinning into the side pocket.

  “Can’t speak for everybody here, but I’ve been put on garbage collection.” Bully retrieved the ball and then promptly sent it into the pocket on the other side.

  I took the white ball out of the pocket, gave my mouth and throat a quick alcoholic lubrication, and made a shot that hit every ball except the one I was aiming at. “You haven’t been doing much of a job. The streets here are filthy.”

  “Of course the streets here are filthy,” said Bully, striking the ball so hard that it bounced off the table and into a woman’s drink. “This is Hell. We’re not supposed to pick up the garbage here. We do it in Heaven.”

  My ears suddenly leapt off my head. I waited for them to come down and reattach themselves before I continued. “You collect the garbage in Heaven?”

  “That’s right,” said Bully, trying to brush off the profuse apologies of the woman with the ball in her drink. “Every night, we go up into Heaven and make sure it’s completely free of litter. Well, you wouldn’t expect the people in Heaven to have to do it, would you?”

  “So that’s how things work,” I muttered, feeling like a tiny bit of a much bigger picture had just been unveiled. “You spend your life making a mess of things, then you spend your afterlife cleaning messes up. I suppose there’s some sort of justice there.”

  “I suppose so. I used to say my job was taking out the trash, but now my job really is taking out the trash.” Bully paused, possibly overwhelmed by the complexity of his statement. Luckily, he found a simple remedy. “How about you give me more of that drink.”

  I passed the bottle and then put the cue on the table. My interest in our game of pool had waned. “So shouldn’t you be in Heaven cleaning up right now?”

  “Yeah, I should. Except right now we’re on strike.”

  “On strike?”

  “For shorter hours and better conditions. I dunno much about it because I’m only starting out, but from what I hear, there’s some new people that just took over the garbage collection operation. They’ve increased the hours we work and the quotas for the amount of rubbish we have to collect each night. So we’re striking in protest, and let me tell you, Jimmy, I’m all for it. Just because I lived a life of violence and bloodshed doesn’t mean I should have to put up with that.”

  “Do you know who these people are that took over the operation?” I asked.

  “No idea,” he replied. “You know me. I just do what I’m told, no questions asked. Now are we going to finish this game or not?”

  I looked at the table. The only ball that had gone near any of the pockets was the white one. “I really don’t see any point.”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” said Bully. “Anyway, this dump is dead. I think it’s time you and me split. I know a rocking little place around the corner. If we’re quick enough, we may still be able to catch some action.”

  “I think I’ve had enough action for one day, Bully. I need a rest.”

  “Okay, suit yourself.”

  We walked back through another quickly-cleared path towards the door. As we left the club, I couldn’t help noticing the band finally returning to the stage.

  Back out in the street, Bully turned to me, handed back the bottle, and grinned.

  “It was good to see you again, Jimmy. And thanks for the drink. I hope the information I gave you was helpful.”

  “So do I, Bully,” I said. “So do I.”

  “So, I guess I’ll see you round.”

  “I can’t make any promises.”

  “Well, good luck anyway.” He turned and began walking quickly up the street.

  “Good luck to you too, Bully,” I said. It felt strange wishing good luck to the guy who had shot me down. But I guess when you share a drink and shoot some pool with them afterwards, it puts everything into a different perspective.

  I began walking the other way, pondering the new information I’d received. They say dead men tell no tales, but Bully had told me plenty. After our conversation, the plot hadn’t just thickened—it had congealed. I needed a place where I could think in peace, but more importantly, I needed somewhere I could sleep. It had been a long day and I was absolutely exhausted.

  My plan was to return to the warehouse at the end of the alley where I’d first arrived, so I could have a brief lie-down on the mattress Jessie had left behind. Unfortunately, there turned out to be so many dark side alleys that finding the right one was virtually impossible. After a while, I gave up trying and decided that the first unlocked door I could fin
d would provide sufficient sanctuary.

  I turned into the next alley, but I hadn’t taken more than a couple of steps before I began to get that feeling when you know you aren’t alone. I turned to see a large shadow blocking the end of the alley. From out of the shadow, a voice hissed.

  “This is what happens to people who stick their noses in places they don’t belong.”

  The shadow split into five smaller but still significant shadows. Closer and closer they advanced, rapidly cutting off all of my light. For a fraction of a second, there was pain, and then my whole world became nothing but a shadow.

  CHAPTER 13

  I WOKE UP. I WAS LYING ON A HARD BED, with a head that felt as if it had recently become acquainted with a very large rock. Too weak to even consider opening my eyes, the most I could manage was to let out a low groan.

  “Just try to relax,” said a voice I had no trouble recognising. It was a soothing melody, a soft light in the heavy darkness.

  “Angel,” I said. “Am I back in Heaven?”

  Jessie laughed. A bitter, mirthless laugh. “Open your eyes and tell me if this looks like Heaven.”

  I opened my eyes. I was in a small room. The walls initially appeared to be covered with brown, patterned wallpaper, but a closer inspection revealed that it was actually a swirling mix of grot and grime. Tatty olive carpet covered the floor, and the only furniture apart from the bed I was lying on were a table and a couple of chairs that looked as if they’d been carefully crafted from scrap timber and splinters. Jessie stood beside the table, a joyless smile on her face.

  “This isn’t Heaven,” I said.

  Jessie shook her head.

  “I’m still in Hell.”

  Jessie nodded. “I found you lying face down in an alley and I brought you here. What happened to you?”

  “I’ve been spending my time getting to know the locals, but it seems they’re not so keen on getting to know me.”

  Jessie sighed. “I tried to warn you, Jimmy. I tried to let you know that Hell is worse than you could have possibly imagined. How do you feel?”

  “As good as anyone would feel if they’d just received a back massage from a steamroller. But why are you here? You’re not telling me that—”

  “Yes, I’m afraid I am. Sally discovered who I was and made sure everybody in Heaven knew about it. So I’ve been sent back here to serve my penance.”

  “I’m really sorry,” I said, feeling uncomfortably like someone trying to cheer up a friend after their grandmother died.

  “I guess it was bound to happen eventually. There’s only so long you can keep someone like Sally fooled.”

  At the mention of Sally’s name, I couldn’t help thinking of my last encounter with Jessie. I’d had lipstick on my face and a semi-clothed Sally draped around me. Despite everything I’d said to Jessie, I had a horrible feeling she figured I was the one who had turned her in.

  “Please trust me, Angel,” I said. “It wasn’t me.”

  “It’s a little difficult for me to trust anyone at the moment.” Jessie sat down and buried her head in her hands.

  “But you’ve got to believe me. I don’t know how Sally found out, but I promise you I didn’t tell her anything.”

  She looked up again. “You don’t have to worry, I know it wasn’t you. It was actually an unfortunate accident that gave me away.”

  “What happened?”

  “My batteries went flat.” For a moment, Jessie looked almost embarrassed. Then she frowned again. “As for you and Sally, I guess that’s none of my business. I can see why a man like you would be attracted to someone like her.”

  I started to laugh, but protests from my body stopped me mid-guffaw. “If you’d only stayed another minute, you would have been seen me pick Sally up and throw her out on the street.”

  “You threw Sally out on the street?”

  “Dumped her like a broker dumping stock in a bear market.”

  Jessie almost smiled at that. “How did she take it?”

  “Not well, I’m afraid. Apparently, as far as she’s concerned, I’m about as welcome in Heaven as the bubonic plague.”

  “You’re right, I wish I had stayed to see it.” Jessie paused. The smile that had flirted with the idea of appearing on her face clearly thought the better of it. “You’re a brave man to take her on, but it looks like she’s not going to let you have the last laugh.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? Just look at you.”

  “So I got beat up by a local gang. It could have happened to anyone.”

  “Come on, Jimmy, you’re not that naive. You don’t think this happened purely by chance.”

  Jessie was right. Who was I kidding? This had definitely not been a random attack. Those thugs, whoever they were, knew exactly who they were targeting. And the fact that Sally had some serious connections within the underworld was as clear as a teenager’s skin wasn’t.

  “Okay,” I said, “so Sally and the Devil are hatching something, but for what purpose? Sally seems pretty comfortable as it is. She’s got her mansion on the hill, and she’s got God practically eating out of her hands. What else could she possibly have to gain?”

  “I don’t know,” said Jessie, “and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to know. I’m in enough trouble as it is, and I’m damned if I’m going to get embroiled any further.”

  “Seems to me you’re already damned.”

  “That’s not funny.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not usually at my funniest straight after I’ve been beaten up. I’m usually much funnier while they’re doing the beating.”

  “I assume from that comment that you’re starting to feel a little better.”

  “I feel well enough to eat a horse.”

  “Then perhaps I can get you some breakfast?” She stood up and walked towards the door.

  “Please do. But before you bring it out, can you do me one favour?”

  Jessie stopped and turned to me. “What would you like?”

  “Whatever you bring me, mash it up just a little. I think I’m going to have to drink it through a straw.”

  Jessie chuckled and then disappeared through the door. While she was gone, I finally managed to sit up, and by the time she returned, I had made the momentous journey from the bed to one of the chairs.

  Jessie placed a bowl on the table in front of me and handed me a spoon. I dipped the spoon into the thick brown sludge in the bowl, took a mouthful, and then spat it straight back out again. I’d never actually eaten mud before, but I was sure it would have tasted like nouvelle cuisine compared to what had just passed my lips.

  “What in God’s name is this supposed to be?” I gasped.

  “You don’t like cereal?”

  “I didn’t realise ‘cereal’ was the word for toxic slime here in Hell.”

  “That mediocre food up in Heaven isn’t looking quite so bad now, is it.”

  “Come on,” I protested, “you can’t tell me there isn’t good food in Hell. I’ve seen some of the restaurants down here.”

  “There’s plenty of good food in Hell,” Jessie agreed. “It’s just practically impossible to eat any of it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, first of all, you’ve got to be able to afford it. And secondly, even if by some chance you do manage to get enough money, you’ll probably find they’ve run out of the ingredients for the dish you want to order, or the chef has taken the day off, or they just don’t feel like cooking it.” Jessie paused and looked at me with a strange, cock-eyed grin. “But I shouldn’t have to tell you any of this. You’ve been in Hell for a while now. So, how are you enjoying it?”

  I put the spoon down and pushed the bowl away. “When I first got here, I thought it was great. Here I was expecting fire and torment, but what did I find instead? Streets full of people. Bars and nightclubs playing music till the early hours.”

  “But did you actually get into one of those nightclubs
to hear some of the music?”

  “No I didn’t. Well, I got into a club, but the band left the stage straight away.”

  “Exactly,” said Jessie. “The band always takes a break whenever you go into a club. And they always come back just as you’re leaving. You never actually get to hear them play.”

  “But what about all the people who were in the club when I arrived? They would have heard them play.”

  “That’s right, the other people would have. Good stuff only ever happens to other people in Hell. When you go to the movies in Hell, the ticket office always sells out just as you reach the front of the queue. When you go into a bar, you always leave by yourself, even though everyone else seems to be leaving in pairs.”

  “Come on,” I said. “I’ve had a bad night, but you still can’t convince me Hell is so terrible. With the attitude you’ve got at the moment, I’ll bet the Garden of Eden would look like a cesspit. By the way, I don’t suppose you’ve got a cigarette? Suddenly I’ve got a real craving.”

  “It wouldn’t help if I did. The cigarettes in Hell don’t satisfy the craving. They only make it worse. But tell me something, Jimmy. Did you have that craving while you were up in Heaven?”

  Of all the things that Jessie had said, this was the one that really floored me. She was absolutely right. Even when I’d thought about cadging a cigarette from God, it hadn’t been a pressing need. I hadn’t even been that upset when I’d found out He’d given them up.

  Jessie must have noticed the sudden glint of madness in my eyes, because she gave me a knowing smirk. “It’s starting to hit home, isn’t it. You’re starting to see how Hell really is. Everything here goes wrong. Absolutely everything.”

  “Hang on a minute,” I interjected. “Not everything went wrong. I not only succeeded in making an ally out of my old enemy Bully Malone, but I actually got a lot of information from him about . . . damn!”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I wanted to get information about Sally and her connections here, but I completely forgot to ask.”