A Fate Worse Than Death Read online

  “It is done. The threat from the Bostinos has been removed. And now, Mr Clarenden, I trust you will help me find my son, and my faithful archangel, Raphael.”

  “I will help you. I think I have a pretty good idea where they are.”

  CHAPTER 17

  I LED GOD AND THE OTHERS out of the Palace and through the streets of Heaven towards the Heavenly Police Department headquarters. Lizard Neck and Frying Pan were none too happy to receive me, but as soon as they saw my entourage, they quickly stood aside, any thoughts of resistance instantly vapourised.

  I went into the holding cell within which I’d spent such pleasant hours a few days earlier. Bending down on my knees, I ran my fingers across the parquetry floorboards. Sure enough, I quickly located a small gap between a couple of pieces of wood. At the bottom of the gap, I found a latch that I was just able to grasp with the tips of my fingers. There was a collective gasp as I lifted a whole slab of the floor away, revealing a wide trap door underneath.

  The trap door took a bit of pulling, but eventually I managed to get it open. Within the cavity that was exposed, a short ladder led down into a small, dark chamber. I climbed down the ladder, and as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I saw two figures lying on the floor. They were both bound and gagged, but I could tell who they were. One was the angel Raphael. The other I had no trouble recognising from the photos God had shown me. At last, the case was closed. I had found Phil.

  By this time, God had climbed down the ladder as well. He gave a cry of joy and rushed to His son’s side. Hurriedly, He began to untie Phil, while I did the same for Raphael. Then, after much hugging, we climbed up the ladder and exited the cell. Straight away, we were confronted by the sight of the two policemen cowering before the Devil, who was affecting a not-terribly-convincing martial arts pose.

  “It looks like we’ve found more of the Bostinos’ accomplices,” he snarled. “I’m sorry to say your evil plans are at an end.”

  The cops shook their heads furiously.

  “It wasn’t us,” cried Lizard Neck.

  “We didn’t do anything,” wailed Frying Pan.

  In desperation, they turned their eyes towards their employer.

  “Tell them,” they begged. “You know we didn’t have nothing to do with this.”

  But Sally barely deigned to give them more than a momentary glance. “Get these lying wretches out of my sight,” she said in a voice that would have sent an Eskimo racing for a wood heater.

  The Devil took a step towards the cops. “Hiyaaah!” he cried, and he began to raise his hands in the air. He looked less like a taekwondo master and more like a hyperextended marionette, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

  “Do you really think these nincompoops are in league with the Bostinos? Come off it. They couldn’t keep a fish imprisoned in a swimming pool. No, the Bostinos are much smarter than that. The only role these two played in their plot was an unwitting one. They would never have realised there were prisoners inside that cell.”

  The looks the two cops gave me were a curious mixture of gratitude that I’d gotten them off the hook, and fury that in doing so I’d destroyed what little credibility they had left. Eventually, they both gave a half nod, half sneer, and then they crept to the back of the room, out of sight and definitely out of mind.

  I turned to the Devil. “But if you’re in the mood for heroics, don’t forget there are three genuine Bostinos locked beneath the Pearly Gates. Someone has to take responsibility for them.”

  “I’ll get my executives onto it straight away.” He took out a mobile phone and barked some orders into it. Then he snapped his fingers. “Well, I guess that’s all over now. I’d better be getting back to the office.”

  “Not so fast,” I said, grabbing him by the collar as he attempted to slink away. “When those Bostinos are brought in, you better guard them like you’ve never guarded anyone before. I’m talking maximum security, around the clock. And you’d also better check up on all those service shafts. Nobody can be allowed to sneak into Heaven again. Because let me tell you, if this sort of thing should ever happen again, you’ll be out of business faster than a raincoat salesman in the middle of the Sahara.”

  The Devil nodded. “I will take care of it.”

  I walked out of the police station to find myself confronted by a legion of flashing cameras and chattering reporters shoving microphones in my face. It looked like the entire news media of Heaven had caught on to the story and now wanted a piece of me. As I tried to shield my eyes and make some space for myself, I felt a tap on the shoulder. I turned to see the Devil still hovering behind me.

  “Why are you still here?” I said.

  “When an opportunity presents itself, I cannot let it slip away,” he said, smiling that smile that had all the warmth of a snowstorm. “You’ve got a story that everybody wants to hear. What you need is an agent.”

  “You’re right, I do have a story to tell.” I turned and began pushing my way through the crowd.

  “Where are you going?” cried the Devil. “Don’t you realise I can make you a wealthy man?”

  “I’m off to The Loaf and the Fishes,” I called back. “I know a journalist there who deserves a break.”

  * * *

  After I’d explained the whole story to Alby Stark over a couple of stiff lemonades, I returned to the Palace for one final audience with God. As He ushered me into His chamber, I was pleased to note that the paraphernalia from His home shopping spree had been removed and the television was switched off. As for God, He was grinning like a Cheshire cat on Prozac.

  “Congratulations, Mr Clarenden. Thanks to you, I have my son back at last, and Heaven is being returned to its previous immaculate state. But before we discuss your reward, I do have one question to ask. I understand how the Bostinos’ plan was supposed to work, but there’s still something I haven’t figured out. However did you discover that Phil and Raphael were trapped inside the police station?”

  “Actually, I have to admit it was a bit of a long shot. In the council meeting, when I described the Bostinos, I took a close look at everybody’s faces to see what reactions I would get. The guilt written all over the Devil’s face was no surprise, given that his dealings with the Bostinos were well established. But I couldn’t help noticing a similar expression on Sally’s face. That got me thinking. What contact would she have had with the Bostino boys?

  “Then I remembered the police station. From the first moment I saw it, I couldn’t help wondering why it had been built. Why go to such an effort to create an anti-crime headquarters in a place that has a crime problem like a sperm whale has a dandruff problem? That’s when I put two and two together. The Bostinos must have built the police station. That explained not only why they were familiar to Sally, but also the real purpose of the station. What better place to hide the victims of their crimes than right under the noses of the force that was supposed to be preventing them? What better guards than a couple of knuckleheads with no idea what they were sitting on?”

  God nodded. “I understand.”

  “I’m glad you do, because there’s still one thing I haven’t figured out. I can’t understand how the Bostinos convinced Sally she needed a police force in the first place.”

  “The Bostinos didn’t have to convince Sally of anything,” said God. “They just took advantage of an opportunity. Sally had already well and truly decided that Heaven needed a police force.”

  “But why?”

  “Come on, Mr Clarenden, where have you been for the last couple of days? Sally needed them to protect her privacy, so nobody would know about her affair with the Devil.”

  I kicked myself. Even after solving this case, I was still the dimmest private investigator I knew. “As if I couldn’t have guessed that the interior design the Devil was giving to Sally was strictly the horizontal kind,” I muttered.

  God chuckled. “That’s one way of putting it. The fools. To think they could have kept it hidden from me.” />
  “Are you telling me you’ve known about it all along?”

  “I might have been hoodwinked by the Bostinos, but there’s very little else in Heaven that gets past my eye.”

  “So why did you go along with her? Why allow her to set up the police force?”

  “Because, to be perfectly honest, I was quite happy to keep the whole sordid business out of the public eye. I didn’t need the sort of fiasco that would result if anybody else found out. I figured that sooner or later, nature would take its course, and I guess eventually I was right. Judging by today’s events, I don’t think there are going to be any more midnight renovation sessions in Sally’s mansion.”

  I laughed. “She’s quite a piece of work. Isn’t there anything you can do to keep her in line?”

  God shook His head. “Not a thing. She’s an angel. That’s the way I created her, and that’s the way she’ll always be.”

  “But you’re all-powerful. There must be some way you can change her.”

  God thought for a moment before answering. “You’re right, there is one thing I could do. But it would involve going all the way back to the beginning and recreating the whole world from scratch, and to be honest that isn’t something I’ve got the time or the inclination to do. Let me tell you, Mr Clarenden, creating every single thing in the known cosmos isn’t as easy as it looks.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “Actually, I don’t think you can. I don’t think you have any conception of what is involved.”

  “I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry I came down so hard on you earlier. I never really thought about how difficult it must be to be you. I mean, here you are, ruling the universe, and yet half the people out there don’t even believe you exist. And as for the other half, a good proportion of them are running around, doing terrible things in your name. How do you handle it? How do you get through the day?”

  “I guess it’s like any other job. You have your good days and your bad. Sometimes creation is such a chore, the best I can manage is leeches or stinging nettles, or the fashion industry. But other times, I get a buzz out of everything. Those are the days when I’m able to create the good things, like colours or music or strawberries dipped in chocolate. Or the Eleven Commandments, I’m especially fond of them.”

  “Eleven Commandments? I’m no expert, but I was under the impression there were only Ten Commandments.”

  “There were supposed to be eleven. Unfortunately, one got lost along the way.”

  “What was the Eleventh Commandment?”

  “I’m not sure I can even remember. It was such a long time ago.” God’s brow puckered as He tried to drag the additional commandment out from His boundless reserves of memory. “Yes, I’ve got it. Thou shalt have a sense of humour!”

  “I think that’s the only one I’ve ever come close to keeping.”

  God grinned. “I know. But I have a feeling that will soon be changing. I have some good news for you. I’ve been doing some bending and fiddling with the rules, and it turns out there won’t be any problem sending you back down. That is, if you wish to go. You’re welcome to stay up here if you prefer.”

  From the moment Phil and Raphael had been released from their prison, I had been aware that I might face this choice. Part of me was sorely tempted to stay. The idea that I could discard my earthly worries and retire to an afterlife of peace and tranquility was extremely enticing. But I couldn’t help thinking about the vision of my own funeral I’d witnessed soon after I’d first arrived. I had no idea how Sally had conjured it up—whether it was a projection from a possible future or a trick of her own devising—but I did know that if I stayed, it would become reality. And while vanity is not a sin I could ever be accused of, I knew my memory was worth more than that.

  “Heaven is a great place if you’re dead,” I said. “But I’ve got too much living still to do. I’d be happy to go back.”

  “I had a feeling you’d say that,” said God. “Well, if there’s anything else I can do for you . . . ?”

  “There is one thing, but it’s not for me. Jessie’s been a great help to me during this case. I don’t know what she did in her life that caused her to be sent down to Hell, but I think she’s suffered enough. Can’t you see it in your heart to let her remain in Heaven?”

  God frowned. “I’m really sorry. I’d love to be able to do something about it. From the moment Jessie snuck into Heaven, I’ve never had a problem with her being here.”

  “You mean you knew about Jessie too?”

  “Of course I did, and I was happy to let her stay—”

  “So if you were happy to let her to stay then, why can’t she stay now?”

  “You didn’t let me finish. I was happy to let her to stay as long as nobody else knew. I liked Jessie a lot. She was a breath of fresh air around here. But as soon as she was discovered, I had no choice but to expel her. After all, I made the rules. If I don’t follow them, nobody will.”

  “But you could fiddle with them for me. Can’t you fiddle with them for her?”

  “It’s not as simple as that. With you, I’m fiddling with them so you can leave Heaven. With her, I’d be fiddling with them to let her in. Do you see the problem now, or do I have to spell it out for you?”

  “I can see the problem. It starts with ‘S’ and ends in ‘l-l-y’.”

  “Precisely. I’m sorry, Mr Clarenden, but that’s the way it’s meant to be. When the time is right and she’s completed her penance, she’ll be allowed back in Heaven, but not one day before.”

  “So there’s nothing you can do.”

  “I’m afraid not. But come, the time is nigh for your return to the land of the living. Can I offer something for the road?” God reached into His robe and pulled out . . . a stick of chewing gum.

  “I got these from Peter,” He said. “About time I kicked the habit for good.”

  “No, thank you,” I said, and I couldn’t help smiling. Little did God know, this wasn’t the first time He’d been saved by chewing gum.

  God looked at me and winked.

  Who was I kidding? Of course He knew.

  * * *

  I found Jessie sitting just outside the palace doors. She didn’t acknowledge me as I walked down the steps and sat beside her.

  “Something on your mind, Angel?” I said.

  “Why did you bring me back up?” she said without looking at me. “You knew I didn’t have anything to do with this. Couldn’t you have left me to bear my shame in peace?”

  “I brought you up because there’s something I need to do. I should have done it back in Hell, but I didn’t have the guts. I want to say good-bye. I’m going to miss you, Angel.”

  She turned to me. “Do you really mean that, Jimmy?”

  “More than an artist means to paint a masterpiece. More than a diva means to bring down the house. As long as I’ve lived, I’ve never meant anything more. I could never have solved this case without you, Angel. You’ve helped me understand what Heaven and Hell really mean.” As I looked into her eyes, I could see tears beginning to form. “But don’t get all mushy on me now,” I added. “There’s no telling what I might say.”

  Jessie looked away. I followed her gaze until it rested on the large mansion dimly visible at the top of the hill.

  “It seems so unfair,” she said. “We have to leave Heaven while she gets to stay up here, living the life of luxury.”

  “But that’s the way it’s always been. Since the dawn of time, people like us have had to put up with people like her. We’re down at the bottom doing it hard, while they’re up at the top reaping the rewards. But I’ll tell you something. You may think we’ve lost and she’s won, but I’m not so sure you’re right. In some ways, she’s lost more than you could imagine, but what we had together nobody will ever be able to take away.”

  “Maybe you’re right. It just seems so hard to take.” She looked at me again, her eyes wide and inviting. “Kiss me, Jimmy. Kiss me one more time.”


  We kissed. How long, I couldn’t tell. It seemed like an eternity, and yet it seemed like no time at all. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Gabriel.

  “I’m afraid it is time for Miss Jessie to be leaving.”

  We both stood up.

  “I guess this is it,” she said. “You’re going back to life and I’m going back to Hell. It must be an amazing thing to resume your life after finding out about Heaven and Hell. I’ll bet it will change everything for you.”

  “Maybe it will and maybe it won’t,” I replied. “I can see that maybe there’s a bunch of things I can do much better the second time around. But I’m still going to live my life my way. I’m going to follow my rules, and keep my nose out of other people’s business. Unless I’m paid to stick my nose in, of course.”

  She laughed. “Of course. Well, Jimmy, I guess this is good-bye.”

  “Yeah. I guess I’ll see you later.”

  I watched as Gabriel led her away. Maybe I would see her again. Maybe I wouldn’t. I had no idea. As they disappeared into the distance, I could feel my eyes getting wet. I must have been looking into the sun.

  Now it was my turn to leave. As I headed back towards the Pearly Gates, I took one last look at what I was leaving behind. It didn’t seem like much. No great paradise. No eternal reward. You lived your life and then you came up here. There were no fairy-tale happy endings. This was all there was.

  Then I heard music. It was the musicians I’d seen on the street in Hell. They’d obviously completed their penance and been allowed into Heaven. The music still sounded great, but this time a crowd stood around them. Most were swaying to the rhythm, and a couple had even begun to dance. That’s when I realised I was wrong. There were some happy endings after all.

  At that moment, Peter came out. He led me back through the Pearly Gates, avoiding the enormous queue that had only just started to be processed again.

  “It was a privilege to be on the case with you, Jimmy,” he said.

  “The pleasure was all mine,” I replied. “I expect that the next time I’m up here, you’ll have that book finished.”